Man, that would be a good name for a song. A song about love, life, and mainly, heartbreaks. I thought I was over you, I thought I was sure of it when you were being an asshole to me this weekend even though you didn’t realize you were doing it.. You know how I acted fine today, but I just couldn’t smile? It’s because you hurt me. You’re so damn confusing, but then again most guys are. I don’t know if you like me. If you don’t, then please stop leading me on.. Honestly, I would have been tearing up today, but I let all my cries out last night. Yeah, that’s right. I cried myself to sleep. I just silently lied in my bed, crying. Thinking of everything. Mostly you. Every time I hear the word “love”, without missing a beat, I instantly think of you. You’re the only guy that gives me butterflies. I get so nervous when I’m with you, you scare me. But in a good way. You scare me because I think I’ll never find a guy that suits me better than you do. You’re the one that means the most to me.
Baby, I was just so close. So close to getting over you and moving on to another guy. You don’t understand how hard you’re making this for me. You say you don’t like me, but you act like you do. And texting me today telling me how beautiful I looked, I loved that. It was the best thing said to me all day. But it is killing me now because I don’t know what to do. Are you finally going to open up and tell me what I know you’re hiding? Or can I move on to the other guy. I still have feelings for you, but I have feelings for him too. He understands me and listens to what I say but still has something to say about himself. You.. You’re just worried about music and your friends even though you try to pay more attention to me. If I tell you something it’s just like your mind is somewhere else. You have a really short attention span and you’re too complicated for me to handle. It’s messing with my mind and my heart. I’m not gonna lie.. Even though I acted like everything was fine on Valentine’s day, it wasn’t. Because every time I saw you my heart sunk a little more. But I guess it’s time to debate on who I will choose. He laughs at what I say and likes talking to me. You pretty much ignore me and let our conversations go dead. I trust him more because he’s straight up about everything and he won’t lead me on like you have. I need that trust. So thanks for the confusion and the heartbreak, but I choose him.
I wish it wouldn’t have turned out like this. Everything just blew up in our faces all of a sudden. Maybe we can work this out, not now, but later. I just can’t deal with you right now. But believe me, I want this to work for us. You are my other half. Honestly, I don’t know if I can trust you now. You’ve been lying to me about such simple things. If you can’t tell me the truth about you being with you’re friends then it seems like you will lie about more serious things. I can’t handle this, not now atleast. I guess it’s better that this happens now instead of when we’re definitely together. I fell hard for you fast, I have never done that for any guy. So you can carry out your stupid excuse for letting me down and “focus on school”. I think you found another girl. You could’ve just told me that. I mean yeah I would of been hurt, but I would rather hear it from you instead of a chick I can’t stand. Thinking that that may be the reason just kills me. Every time I see you I die a little more on the inside. Yet, I fall harder for you every time you look at me with those big blue eyes. If there is another girl, I sure hope she cares for you as much as I do. And don’t lie to her, it will hurt you more than it will hurt her. I don’t want to see you hurt. God, please don’t let there be another girl…
I realized today that the things I remember most are the stupid things I do or say. Many of them are on complete accident. I think about these memories every night. I need to stop. They make me feel like the biggest idiot in the world. It’s always the most simple objects that remind me of it. When I see a ball, it instantly reminds me of the time I ran to kick a ball and I fell on my face. The only good thing about them is that I make sure I never do them again. They tought me to be careful, but not to be so careful that I don’t have fun. These memories made me who I am and I love that. Flaws make you unique.
Here’s how it is, you worry TOO much. It’s like you’re dead on the inside. I’m gonna do whatever I can to change this. Oh, and you get mad at the stupidest things. Your friend gave your coke away? I see how it could make you mad since they didn’t ask you if it was okay first, but C’MON! Seriously, a coke? It’s not kindergarten anymore. Mature and move on. Stop whining about the little things. There are so many bigger things to worry about. You ask me why I chose such an “out of control” guy. You’re the reason! You sucked almost all the life out of me. He’s not even out of control, if you knew him then you would see how much like me he really is, a fun person that loves their life and stays out of trouble and away from drugs. You always tell me how much you love my personality, it’s time for you to get one of your own. Stop living through me. God didn’t give you this life for nothing.
I honestly, I don’t know where I’m going in my life. Part of me wishes I knew, but the other part doesn’t even want a clue. I know.. people say this all the time, but I love the mystery of not knowing what is going to happen, who I may end up with, or what I’m even going to do. I’m only a teenager! I’m not supposed to know yet. Life is just going to take its course, there’s nothing you can do about it. Some people think they have complete control of their life. Sorry hun, that’s not how it works. Life is a wave, and I’m just coming along for the ride.